FIFA wants intresting Football; approches Rajiv Shukla for suggestions.

After hearing  that 1/4^th of the world population (India) snores in the second half of every #WorldCup match or are switching to Suryavansham on SetMax, FIFA has decided to make Football more interesting and subcontinent friendly. So they approached Rajiv Shukla for suggestions and recommendations to popularize football in the Indian sub-continent. Following are Shukla Ji's suggestions.

• Only 2 defenders should be allowed inside the D for the first 15 minutes. Max 4 for the rest of the game, be it a free kick or a corner kick.
• Each team can have 5 minutes of ‘super time’ where opposition will have to remove the Goalkeeper from the goal post.
• Every ‘Host’ country should have the liberty to choose the playing conditions on the field as per there convenience, they can remove the 'grass' totally from the football pitch or can have knee length grass. Whichever way they like to play.
• Not even a slightest resentment is allowed on the Referees decision,  if a player gets a Yellow or Red card, he has to smile and say “Thank you”
• Two referral’s allowed against the Referee’s decision, if the Captain wins the decision then on-field Referee has to apologies. The signal for apology would be holding his ears and doing 2 sit-ups.
• If the team’s Center Forward is injured, he can ask for a runner. The runner will do the running, dribbling whereas center forward can rest near oppositions Goalpost only to take the kick. No offside rule for him.
• Substitutes are not allowed to strike; they can only run or pass the ball.
• Exchanging of t-shirts after the game should be called ‘Dada Act’, players have to swing there t-shirt over there head for 10 secs before handing it over to the opposition players.
• I (Rajiv Shukla) and Srinivasan Jain should be accommodated in FIFA governing body; even the entry level is ok for us. (we know how to rise)
• Pakistan or Pakistani players should not be allowed at any time to play this sport.

Yes I am Communal !!!

Few days back I read a news report on a Pakistan's News website that a TV journalist in Pakistan called Maya had a unique show on TV in this holy month of Ramadhan where she converted a Hindu Pakistani boy to Islam and the show increased its TRP manifolds. She even invited viewers for calls to give this boy his new pious Islamic name. I know you will say "koi zabardasti to nahin karwaii gai thi... Allah ne use taufeeq di siraat-ul-mustaqeem par chalne ki" agreed my friend.

          Instantly my thoughts came on Muslims in India and thought of a similar show on Indian TV where a Muslim boy willingly converts to Hinduism. Even the idea of such a show sent shivers in my spine and i sweat.  The resultant purification would have engulfed the entire country in a raging fire; however, the minimal reaction this episode has received from my fellow Muslim scholors, writers, thinkers and most importantly the crusaders of “just” who who are up against any communal sufferings, be it banning of burqa’s in France, or Burmese atrocities, or Assam riots just proves that we are also communal and I include MYSELF also in this list. 

          We Facebook columinst should be ashamed to read such a hideous mockery of the two religions. My Muslim friends and most importantly my Aligarian friends, why am I having a serious doubt within that we ourselves are not less communal than those we cry for? Why I don’t go through any article or FB status from an Aligarian or a Muslim who have the courage to stand up and say that Yes we are ashamed, Why only Maya from Pakistan in particular? I am sure many of us believe that the ongoing drama about the Akbarabadi Mosque is blown out of proportion, why can’t we protest and write against a Muslim MLA in Delhi, who is trying to derail a Metro Project connecting Old Delhi and wants Akbarabadi Masjid there.

         Dear Mr MLA, stop it…. अल्लाह के वास्ते बंद करो ये ड्रामा …बहुत हुआ . We have ample of Mosques in Delhi which gives a deserted look and are void of Namazi;s there.

      मस्जिद तो बना ली शब् भर में , इमान की हरारत वालून ने
      मनन अपना पुराना पापी है , सदियों में नमाज़ी बन न सका 

Dear Aligarian’s and Muslim friends, I may be wrong in my approach but this is what I was undergoing for the last many days and I tried to vent it out through this writeup.

Yours

Fahad

Kehte hain aadatein hamesha saath rehti hain
Vo tab bhi thin jub abba ko khaanste dekha tha
Aur tab bhi jub unpar pehli mitti daalne kisi ne mere kaandhe par haath rakha tha
Kehte hain aadatein hamesha saath rehti hain
Us adat ki khushboo ko ammi ne mere kapdon mein sungha tha
Meri biwi ne honthon se soongh kar jhagda kia tha
Usi aadat ka haath pakad kar bahut door nikal aaya
Door itna ki vapas mud kar dekhun to sab kuch dhundla sa dikhta hai
Vapas jaana namumkin sa lagta hai
Badan mein mere jo zeher ris raha hai vo usi aadat ka hai
Mujhe kamzoor karta hai
Mujhe beemar karta hai

Aaj vo aadat chhod di maine
Aaj Uska haath chhuda kar vapas bhaag nikla hun
Kaun kehta hai aadaten saath rehti hain

 Ab main cigarette nahin peeta.

Raat dard hai
Dava nahin
Jis chout ko
Chua nahin
Vo chout sirhane rakh kar let gaya hoon
Sooraj khidki se phoot raha hai
Aankh jaagi hai
Soee nahin

Neend ke tukde been raha hoon

Gali ke nukkad par
Raat ko jaate hue dekha hai
Aank dikha kar dara gai
Bahut kaali thi
Kal aai to marr jaunga
Darr ke aur kahin theher jaunga

Lekin vahan bhi raat aai to…….

31 march

Vaah kya sher hai !

Life mein bahut tarah ke experiences hote hain kuch khatte to kuch meethe, Bahut tarah ke logon se mulaqaaten hoti hain, kuch log kapde par lage halke se daag ki tarah waqt ka pani padte hi dhul jaate hain, aur kuch stains life long rehte hain, jub tak aap ki life rehti hai.

Maine bhi apni choti si zindagi mein bahut se logon se mulaqaat ki jo apni chaap kuch din hi choodh paate hain, magar main ye zaroor kahoonga ke kuch logon ko hum Ctrl+Alt+Del karne ke bavajood jub apne deemag ko thoda aaram aur sukoon dene ke liye flash back mein le jaa kar boot karte hain to vo kisi screen par pop-ups ki tarah phir se numaya ho jaate hain. Sabse badi baat ye hai ki in mein se kuch log bade daravne hote hain..ghabraye nahin main Ram Gopal Varma ki bhoot se impress nahin hoon aur un ke shakl ki baat nahin kar raha hoon. Balke unke betuke sawal jo na jaane kahan se unke zehen mein aate hain, aur us par sitam ye ki unhe lagta hai ki ye sawal aaj tak kisi ne nahin kia hoga, ya yun kahen ke is sawal ko poochne ke baad vo apne aap ko kisi detective novel ya film ka protagonist samjhne lagte hain. Sawal poochte hi unke chehre par halki si hansi is tarah phoontti hai manon unhone kisi drug smuggler se uske adde ke bare mein baat uglva lia ho aur agla bharat rattan vo apni almarih mein hi saja dekh rahe hoon. Aise logon se bada darr lagta hai.

Apni dastan aage badhane se pehle main ek chotta sa qissa batana chahta hoon, Main ek Radio Jockey hoon, aur meri pareshani yahin se shuru ho jaati hai. Logon ko lagta hai ki RJ ka matlab hai bolna aur sirf bolna vo bhi bina kisi baat ke, bina kisi topic ke bilkul hamare desh ke leaders ki tarah jo kya bolte hain isse kisi ko matlab kam hi hota hai. Main kuch din pehle ek dost ki birthday party mein pahuncha aur usne ye keh kar logon se milvaya ki ye RJ hain. Bus phir kya tha, ek zoo mein aaye hue naye janvar ki tarah log mujhe hairat se dekh rahe the, ticket hi lag jaata mere dekhne par to thoda sukoon milta, magar baat yahan par khatam nahin hui ek sajjan mere pass aaye aur bole “zara bol kar dikhaiye”…pehle to mujhe laga ki shayad unhe shak tha ki ye insaan to goonga hoga ye kahan bol sakta hoga. Jab maine unse poocha “ Matlab” to janab ne kaha ki “radio par jis tarah bolte hain us tarah boliye, meri beti sunna chahti hai” aur phir bina mera reaction dekhe ya sunee, aavaz lagai “arre Anuradha beti yahan aao jaldi se..maza aaye ga”. Bataye, main koi hukkoo Bandar hoon ki aavaz lagaoon to log taali bajayenge.

Ek sajjan to keh baithe ki “aap apne show mein sher bahut acche sunate hain zara ek dil tootne par sher humen bhi suna deejiye”. Sher na ho gaya vo pan masala ho gaya jo thoda sa unhe bhi de doon. Tez music chal rahi hai, afrah tafreeh ka mahool hai, Cake katne wala hai, is mauqe par unhe main dil tootne par sher suna doon !! Bataiye aise log aap ko mil jayen to aap kya karenge? By the way maine unhe ye keh kar taal dia ki mujhe yaad nahin hai aur main sher ki kitab se sher padhta hoon.

Rukiye rukiye baat yahan khatam nahin hui, poori mehfil mein vo saab mere hi paas khade rahe aur thodi thodi der ke baad apne mobile ke inbox mein pade hue bekaar sher mujhe sunate rahe. Aur vo umar mein itne bade the ki main daant pees kar sirf plastic smile dene ke alava kuch nahin kar pa raha tha. Yahan tak ki us mehfil ke baad to mujhe jaise shayri se hi nafrat ho gai. Baar baar mujhe marhoom sagar khyaami ka vo sher yaad aa raha tha, jo unhone un police walon ke liye kaha tha jinki duty mushayre mein laga dee jaati hai aur vo subah tak aadhe shayar ban jaate hain.

“raftaa raftaa har police vaale ko shaayar kar diyaa mahafil-e-sher-o-sukhan mein bhej kar sarakaar ne ek qaidii subah ko phaansii lagaa kar mar gayaa raat bhar Gazalen sunaain us ko thaanedaar ne”.

Agli baar aap ko kuch aur tarah ke logon se milvaoonga, Pata nahin ye log mujhse hi kyun takrate hain ?

shaam aai hai badi khamoshi ke saath
chup chaap dabe paon
shayad nange pair
haathon mein liye raat ka purana geela kambal
dhup se udha diya hai aankhon par
saans ghut ti hai
dum phoolta hai
cheekh nikalti hai
par kaano ne ansuni kar di
saaya bekhabar hai
neend ke gaon mein
phir vardaat hui hai
rooh bechain hai
kal phir shaam aayegi
chup chaap dabe paon
shayad nange pair.